That's you
drops of water
and you're on top of the mountain of success.

But one day you start sliding down the mountain and you think wait a minute; I'm a mountain top water drop. I don't belong in this valley, this river, this low dark ocean with all these drops of water. Then one day it gets hot and you slowly evaporate into air, way up, higher than any mountain top, all the way to the heavens. Then you understand that it was at your lowest that you were closest to God. Life's a journey that goes round and round and the end is closest to the beginning. So if it's change you need, relish the journey.

Sometimes I wish a great tragedy would occur in my life so that I would have a reason to feel so out of step. Can you think of anything more selfish?

No one, not even God himself knows what a man suffers on the inside

I've been trying to act out of character in hopes of feeling some things the way normal people describe them. Still I feel nothing. The spectrum of my emotions is so short I barely know how to put my thoughts into words, hence the absence.

I feel cold on the inside, like nothing can jar me out of this strange sleep paralysis.

I've been chasing carnal pleasures in hopes that maybe they can stir up something inside of me but all I see them leading to is a particularly characteristic and unattractive downward spiral.

Is it possible that I'll be this way for the rest of my life? I can't remember the last time I felt awe, or rapture, even sadness escapes me.

I've been chasing my own emotions.

UP+UP+DOWN+DOWN+LEFT+RIGHT+B+A+START

I'm 22.
I might as well be 45.

Not to sound melodramatic or anything, but If I could hit RESET I would.

Things that make me reasonably happy

Call it what you will but depression, to me, is just clarity. If I don't start keeping track I'm likely to be swallowed up by it.

1. Taro Bubble Tea
2. Old Pictures of my mother
3. Seeing movies
4. The smell of Nuetrogena "Rainbath"
5. The look on my dogs face after he fetches a tennis ball
6. Afternoons by myself

indefinable

My mother started crying when I called her today. This is a glimpse of my future, as I have regretfully submitted to the fact that I am a copy of her and will be doomed to her fate.

My entire life has been a pattern of loving people who will never want me, and of giving to people who wouldn't notice if I disappeared tomorrow. & I will repeat this cycle until one day I stop living. I'm convinced that nothing in this life can captivate me enough to distract from that bitter truth. The road from now until then is just a series of minutes being pissed away, and fuck the lot of them who can't understand this, I don't feel like explaining it to anyone.

I'll see you on the other side

I would like to channel you.

Best Movie I've ever seen

Sometimes you have to roll the hard six.

I feel like before I meet someone new I have to issue a statement. A caveat emptor, if you will.

"I am sad. I've been sad my whole life and I will continue to be sad. You can never change that. You could never save me; it's not your responsibility. Even when we're happy, even at the happiest moments, the ones that make you feel complete and at peace with the universe, you will look into my eyes and know that I am in another place that is neither despair, nor apathy, nor anguish, and you can never be there with me, or pull me out."

and, well, if you can't live with that then you might as well get out now.

When I was younger my uncle taught me how to "swallow tears". You know when you feel like crying? and you can feel the emotion welling up inside of you? Close your eyes and swallow hard, he'd say. You can feel them moving from behind your eyelids to your belly. I've been swallowing tears my whole life. I've been swallowing tears so long I fear there is an entire ocean inside of me.

Nothing really belongs to you; it's all borrowed.

"Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional. On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery."

alone in this world

I truly think the world is shit.
Human nature is cruel, love is a lie, we are all just waiting to expire.

Then this morning I was eating an orange.

It was a perfect orange.

and I started thinking that if something as simple and enjoyable as a ripe piece of fruit could exist then maybe there is hope for a happy life after all.

They also remind me of home; wherever that is.

Neil Young

Somewhere on a desert highway/She rides a Harley-Davidson /Her long blondebrown hair flyin' in the wind /She's been runnin' half her life /The chrome and steel she rides /Collidin' with the very air she breathes /The air she breathes. /You know it ain't easy /You got to hold on/ She was an unknown legend in her time /Now she's dressin' two kids /Lookin' for a magic kiss/ She gets the far-away look in her eyes.

I'd love to be an unknown legend. I'm searching for a heart of gold.

What mistakes look like

"It seemed like a good idea at the time"

This is what my epitaph will read.

Here is the pattern of my life:
I meet people. I charm them. I repel them.

Now I can't help disappearing inch by inch as each day passes. I am only pieces of myself, I wonder if anyone will notice. I know they can see my unraveling but politely ignore it. I cringe with thoughts of what they will say when I'm not around even though I pretend to be confident and self-assured.

Sometimes at a large gathering of acquaintances I become filled with panic at the thought of carrying a conversation. I used to be witty and fun. Now I am awkward. I am the elephant man. Literally everything I say and do is strange and annoying.

I wish I could reset.

I missed you so much today that I googled your name, just to feel closer to you I guess. You still don't return my calls, must have some new girl around.

Some days I wake up and think that I am all the things my mother said I was. I know we grow old and change but what if I don't like the person I'm becoming? I want to be the old me again.

I'm sick of being the muse. I want, just for once, to be wanted.Plain and simple.

Blue

I was born of longing. Born of sadness. Born with the notion that everything is only a shadow of something good. There is no earthly cure for me, all the pill can do is try to keep the ache at bay.

Either of you please marry me

Inception

Seeing certain movies is a deeply religious and intimate thing for me that I can only share with certain people. It moves me in such a way that I am crushed with the weight of it's brilliance. It changes me, it shatters me, and sometimes I can't bear to be seen with all of my pieces out of place, my limbs detached, my heart so swollen you can see it through my chest. It is better than chocolate, better than a rollercoaster or even sex, and if I look at my counterpart and feel even the slightest bit of self-conscious embarrassment at my disintegration then the entire experience will be ruined.

It has been a long time since someone kissed properly.

I am surrounded by death, can not escape it. It sticks to me like wet clothes.

Sameeha Azar

What will I do when my Grandmother dies? She has always, for whatever reason, loved me wholly and unconditionally. She is the only person I can say this about. In fact, if I have learned anything from this existence about love, it would be everything she taught me. I cant imagine a world without her.

Cigarettes and Coffee (I enjoy neither)

Even though it's disgusting and I'd never smoke, I think some women look so lovely with a cigarette

Best Movie

In Sabrina Audrey Heburn goes to culinary school. On the first day, she learns to crack an egg. (My experience was a bit more fast paced). A man in her class sees that she has ruined her souffle because she forgets to be turn on the oven.
"Unhappy in love?". he asks
"How did you know?"
"A woman happily in love burns the souffle, a women unhappy in love forgets to turn on the oven."
Great line.
She also writes the cutest suicide note ever. "I don't want to go to Paris. I want to die."
Even Audrey could make that sound adorable. It's laughable to me that for the first part of the movie she is supposed to be playing a plain, unnoticed girl. Even then she is stunning.
Juliet Binoche did her no justice in the remake.

and whose heart is not a hungry fish?

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."

- Margaret Atwood

Some people are meant to be alone

The only time I ever feel relatively normal is when I'm alone, on the outside looking in. It is this reason why I will never be able to co-exist happily with another person.

In love with ghosts

I broke my necklace tonight. I have a pair of soft-cotton Victoria Secret pajamas that I reserve just for nights like these.

He once said I was one of the happiest people he had ever met.

It's times like these I'm not sure exactly who I am. I feel two things for sure:

1. I am Thumbelina. I am the only person like myself and I have no faith that I'll find a counterpart
2. I am, at once, two complete halves that are perfectly opposite. It is this reason that has made it so hard to figure out exactly who I am. You know, if someone asked me to describe myself I wouldn't know which person to start with. This stems from my 17 year old exile. I had to become a whole different person, and ever since then I've been trying to become the person I lost. I never got to be 17, I wonder what it would feel like.

P.S. Moviegoer might have just trumped A Moveable Feast for my favorite book of all time. I feel like Walker Percy wrote his character "Kate" about me. How fitting.

"I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice. I will be the only angel you need. You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."

A clairvoyant once told my mother to give me a camera.

Today at Publix my cashier looked at me quizzically and asked, "Are you a photographer? You look like someone who takes pictures"

Is the universe trying to tell me something? What a cruel joke, I've never been good at photography.

Whenever I see couples in love on television it's the equivalent of watching the Olympics. Like, that's cool, but, I'll never learn to do it and wasn't born with the talent.

Diane Keaton

Damn, she's got style.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Milan Kundera makes the best pro-casual sex argument that I've ever heard.

Lately I've been feeling bored and despondent with the idea of sexual intimacy; the idea of sex has become overrated. I hope I meet someone to change this opinion.

Videos of the Sun

NASA released this video of the sun. It's beautiful but it makes my skin crawl.

Lucid Dreams

Last night I had a dream about a friend of mine. I can't stop thinking about it. Not sexual, just strangely intimate. My dreams are always lucid, and by some kind of tragic irony, I always know that I will wake up soon and that my subconscious moments will be better than real life.

I've been idle. Plagued by everydayness. Sleep paralysis.

Channeling

Need to use this thing again

I've been listening to Rush a lot lately. Staying up/sleeping later than usual. Playing Final Fantasy XIII shamelessly. Eating Kashi GoLean! Crunch as part of my 2 meals a day. Going to the gym... how would you say? Less than frequently. and above all, not caring.

Granted, I've been feeling more motivated than before but I still feel like I am out of reach of being one of those "lucky" people.

Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. But I kind of like it, and I can't help it. Surely I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way.

"I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days--three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain."

"I have two luxuries to brood over in my walks, your loveliness and the hour of my death; that I might have possession of them both in one moment."

"The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

March of the Winter

It seems odd to me that some people are robbed of the enjoyment of a beach. Ever since I was born I have felt an affinity with the ocean; it’s giving, healing water and yet its desire to destroy. It is a thing that cannot be tamed, cannot be loved. And many have fallen victim to it, many many have died. I had an uncle once who I never met that drowned in the ocean, so I too have reason to be in reverent fear of its power. But I do not like to think of the ocean this way, as a force which can kill. I prefer to think of it as a rough love which knows no restraint. I am reminded of Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. I think of Lennie holding a tiny mouse in his oversized hand, so enthralled with it’s movement that he unknowingly crushes it’s tiny vertebrae, and even as it remains lifeless has no understanding of the weight of his actions; only that he loved the creature flawlessly and passionately. It is so that I imagine the oceans rough waves. They are not cruel, they are love of a pure yet misguided kind. It is made clear to me now why sailors and pirates of my literature have fallen in love with the sea, personified it, and characterized it with the gender of a woman. I am that ocean. I too can only love in rough, often fatal blows.