I haven't truly mourned over my grandfather's death. And most of what I feel is actually guilt for not being able to care more, feel more deeply.

The worst part is that he asked me to do one thing for him my whole life, and I couldn't even do it. I've been too busy thinking about myself. All I do is think about myself.

How do you go about grieving?

I feel so stupid.

Sometime in the past week I stopped being normal and started having feelings, a lot of them, all at once. I am not prepared. How do people do this? All this caring is making me kind of sick, stopping me from getting through the day.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so insecure and vulnerable. Maybe it's because people aren't really supposed to be alone and I've been doing it so long now and it's not healthy. Now that I get close to what companionship is like I ultimately find a way to obsess about it and kill it.

Oh God, I'm Lenny. I know I always sympathized with him. You love something so much that you kill it. You don't even wait for it to manifest and run it's course, just find it, love it deeply and recklessly and then smother it. I see this becoming a cycle in my life.

What once was so easy now take discipline. Breathe. Relax. Be alone.

Selfishly preoccupied with thoughts of my own mortality