Need to use this thing again

I've been listening to Rush a lot lately. Staying up/sleeping later than usual. Playing Final Fantasy XIII shamelessly. Eating Kashi GoLean! Crunch as part of my 2 meals a day. Going to the gym... how would you say? Less than frequently. and above all, not caring.

Granted, I've been feeling more motivated than before but I still feel like I am out of reach of being one of those "lucky" people.

Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. But I kind of like it, and I can't help it. Surely I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way.

"I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days--three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain."

"I have two luxuries to brood over in my walks, your loveliness and the hour of my death; that I might have possession of them both in one moment."

"The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

March of the Winter

It seems odd to me that some people are robbed of the enjoyment of a beach. Ever since I was born I have felt an affinity with the ocean; it’s giving, healing water and yet its desire to destroy. It is a thing that cannot be tamed, cannot be loved. And many have fallen victim to it, many many have died. I had an uncle once who I never met that drowned in the ocean, so I too have reason to be in reverent fear of its power. But I do not like to think of the ocean this way, as a force which can kill. I prefer to think of it as a rough love which knows no restraint. I am reminded of Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. I think of Lennie holding a tiny mouse in his oversized hand, so enthralled with it’s movement that he unknowingly crushes it’s tiny vertebrae, and even as it remains lifeless has no understanding of the weight of his actions; only that he loved the creature flawlessly and passionately. It is so that I imagine the oceans rough waves. They are not cruel, they are love of a pure yet misguided kind. It is made clear to me now why sailors and pirates of my literature have fallen in love with the sea, personified it, and characterized it with the gender of a woman. I am that ocean. I too can only love in rough, often fatal blows.

I no longer want to be a part of the land of the living.

Whenever I listen to Ben Folds I pretend that I'm "Kate" or that "Brick" isn't really about abortion, but it's just that one line : "now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before": repeated endlessly.
I wonder what that says about a person? I'm beginning to think that, all mediating circumstances aside, I am just a lonely, morose and darkly pensive person. I'm still working on the what-to-do-now 0f that realization. I feel like no one could ever be expected to love someone like that.

New Years Resolution

whatever happened to this thing? When I moved I left too many things behind.