Awful Words

I cried today about it. I stopped and tried to think about why I was crying. I realized that I'm not sad that I may have c----- , I'm sad because I don't really care whether or not I do. There is nothing I have to miss, too lose; the world would not stop if I disappeared. Many people would be sad, but they would all live - and all things would continue on, unchanged. After all, I disappeared once before, didn't I? Last night I died in my dream. Everything went black and my body was numb. For a second my brain played a trick on me, and I thought that I was actually dead. Then I woke, dissapointed to find that no mysteries of the universe would be revealed to me then - I had to wake up and brush my teeth.I'm so scared that this is something I can't recover from.