I'm genetically pre-disposed to hate everyone.

Why do I do this too myself? Ive been sitting on my couch, all dressed up with no place to go since 8 o'clock.

: [

Allow me to explain; with out allegories, why my life is kind of miserable right now. (not that I am miserable, because I'm not, it's just that things are really starting to be horrible and luckily for me I thrive off of that.) However, that doesn't mean I don't want them to get better.

Tonight I tried to convince myself I was beautiful. I tried really hard. & It worked. I do feel better. I just needed to remind myself that I am worth more than someone's side dish. Which is what I've realized. All I need to do now is transfer those words from brain to mouth, and verbalize them to him.

It's just hard to think that I've spent all my time convincing myself that it was him who was the problem. That he didn't want me because of something he was going through. Now I realize that he didn't want me not because he didn't want someone but because he actually didn't want me.

That's just the way it is and I'm going to have to get over it. & I will. But in the meantime I think I deserve some time to be a little wounded. To indulge in a a few movies and songs designed for this self-destructive sort of mood.

I can't say I regret anything. Because I know it's better to feel a little pain than feel nothing at all. (and for awhile there, I wasn't feeling anything.) But good God, cut me a break.

I feel all sorts of broken.
Back to Square 1.

-10 degrees!

Charlotte Gainsbourg is the reason I wear oversized sweaters.

My favorite part of the day has become running to my car to avoid the cold and then turning the heat up on full blast.

Just once I wish I could kiss someone standing up.

"I love her because she makes things with her hands.
It's as if her synapses were married directly to her fingers."

"It's just that lately I've been living on my own. I'm better off alone."

"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
& a rock feels no pain;
& an island never cries."
-SIMON & GARFUNKEL

"It's just that lately I've been living on me own,
& I've fucked up so many times,
I'm better off alone."
-THE GOOD LIFE

I hate everyone today. Honestly, If I could delete myself from being socially known I would. People are fucking complicated. Everything is a problem. Can never say what they mean. Always playing games. I'm over it. I was happier by myself.

all time low

If there were any doubts about me being a loser, they are all confirmed with the fact that I just purchased this book. I plan to read it on my daily commute on the bus. God help me.

Everything became broken yesterday.

The record player broke, so that I couldn't listen to the B-side of Abbey Road while I made lasagna like I wanted too. The space heater broke, so that I was cold inside and out throughout the night. I feel like a piece of me broke away; like one loose thread of a crocheted sweater that had gotten caught on something and had been unraveling slowly since. It seemed, unknowingly, all that time while I was chasing and reaching, I was only bringing about the inevitable more quickly. That by the time I realized what had been lost, I was already midriff-bare.

The only thing to do with a sweater like that is toss it, it would be better to buy a new one than try to replace the old. That doesn't mean though, that it doesn't break your heart to discard it.

.

He was locked away in the room of a house which she had the key too. There was no way of telling which room, or where. So after searching behind every door, and coming up empty handed, she realized that she had been mistaken. They were not in the same house at all. There would be no reason to search anymore.