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Allow me to explain; with out allegories, why my life is kind of miserable right now. (not that I am miserable, because I'm not, it's just that things are really starting to be horrible and luckily for me I thrive off of that.) However, that doesn't mean I don't want them to get better.

Tonight I tried to convince myself I was beautiful. I tried really hard. & It worked. I do feel better. I just needed to remind myself that I am worth more than someone's side dish. Which is what I've realized. All I need to do now is transfer those words from brain to mouth, and verbalize them to him.

It's just hard to think that I've spent all my time convincing myself that it was him who was the problem. That he didn't want me because of something he was going through. Now I realize that he didn't want me not because he didn't want someone but because he actually didn't want me.

That's just the way it is and I'm going to have to get over it. & I will. But in the meantime I think I deserve some time to be a little wounded. To indulge in a a few movies and songs designed for this self-destructive sort of mood.

I can't say I regret anything. Because I know it's better to feel a little pain than feel nothing at all. (and for awhile there, I wasn't feeling anything.) But good God, cut me a break.

I feel all sorts of broken.
Back to Square 1.