March 7th

My birthday is approaching rapidly. You know what I want? A heart-attack. A big one. One that will drop me to the stone-cold floor and render me helpless so I won't have to keep spending sleepless nights worrying about growing up, worrying about fucking up, and feeling more alone than ever.

dissapointments,

Sometimes I forget that humanity is not worth saving. People are cold, I've never realized that more than I do now. No one has never spoken ill of me as they have tonight, and I don't believe I've ever given anyone a reason too.

For whatever reason, things in my life have taken an odd "sweet and sour" effect. As in, good things are happening, but they are paired and quickly followed with bad things. Bittersweet seems to be the theme of my life right now. Maybe I've gotten irresponsible with my heart, it's true, but I don't deserve this. I really don't deserve this.

I don't think I can trust again. I'm afraid I'll never truly love. Whats worse is I think that is not a matter of circumstance but of choice. I can't deal with people and their bullshit. I turn 20 sooner than I'd like. I want to live the desert island life, but I thrive off companionship and random acts of kindness and I fear without them I can't live. At this point I don't care anymore at all.

I'm supposed to be alone. I am.

"well our luck may have died,
and our love may be cold,
but with you forever I'll stay,
We're going out where the sand is turnin' to gold,
so put on your stockins', baby, cause the nights gettin cold
and everything dies, baby, that's a fact
but maybe everything that dies someday comes back. "

true love will find you in the end.

Some days I wish I could change the way I am. Some days I just get so sick of being a nice person. I end up empty-handed, alone, frustrated and wondering why I can't just learn to be selfish. I want so badly to only care about myself. I want to do things just because they make me happy, with no thought of consequence. That's what I want; but it won't happen. Tomorrow when I wake up, I will spend the greater part of my day mapping out the best way to make everyone else happy. In so doing, I become happy myself. Even if it's fleeting.

odd.

lots of people want to marry me. Little do they know, that to spite them, I have already planned to be alone forever.


oh, and I turned down the job at Baskin Robbins. They wanted me to listen to bad 90's music all day and scoop ice cream with a funny visor, not decorate cakes. Plus, I'm lactose intolerant.

the luck, she is still running good.

I sometimes feel like the entire human race, collectively, knows something I don't. It has to be the secret to something. All I know is how good it would feel to be content, with companionship, and in tune with the earth's rotation. I feel like there is an ever increasing capacity for loneliness in my life.

Last night I had a dream that it was Valentine's day and I got attacked by a ferocious polar bear.





This cannot be a foreshadow of anything good.

"I have often dreamed of umbrellas as tall as buildings; their steel handles dipped under the soil and lie buried beneath the concrete where our feet cross. Metal tips touched the troughs of the clouds and their tops remained rigidly concave, letting the rain slide down their canvas crowns. I can move out of the cover of my giant umbrella, to make room for another to find protection in the cold, hard rain and stand with the rain mercilessly hitting my skin; soaking every layer down to my bones. Until eventually my heart is flooded - and every possession is carried away on the murky water like the possessions of a hurricane victim."