unconventional horoscopes:

A century before the New Age Movement began, french playright Victor Hugo (1802-1885) was conversing with the dead. I want to tell you what the spirit of Galileo said to him at a seance, because it's the perfect message for you to hear right now:
"You know what I would do if I were in your place? I'd drink from the milk basin of the Milky Way; I'd swallow comets; I'd lunch on dawn; I'd dine on day and I'd sup on night; I'd invite myself, splendid table companion that I am, to the banquet of all the glories, and I'd salute God as my host! I'd work up a magnificent hunger, an enormous thirst, and I'd race through the drunken spaces between the spheres singing the fearsome drinking song of eternity."

frailty

I wish I were more fragile. I often want people to see the parts of me that I keep hidden. I want someone to see me at my most vulnerable point; and I want them to love me anyway. I want to stop feeling unhappy with myself all of the time, but I can't stop by myself. What's worse, I don't feel like I have anyone else.

When it rains, it pours

Suffice it to say that everything is going wrong. I don't quite understand why everything is out of order, but it has been a series of weeks that make me feel as though the entire universe is against me. God just seems to have to add insult to injury. My plan is to just hide under the covers until the storm passes, as long as I can get through this, I'm convinced good things should come my way eventually. Hopefully?

In brighter news, I got a new camera. I decided that I want to start documenting my life. I'm scared of forgetting, and I want tangible evidence of my heres and nows.

Truth is, I'm starting to see the world differently. I'm starting to hate everyone, become misanthropic, cynical, angry and cold. That's not me. I'm going to start photographing all the bits and pieces of my life so that I can start seeing things through the lens. So I can remember how beautiful it all is.

I wish I could meet Bill Murray. I think he'd like me very much and I'd love to make him dinner. I somehow liken him to God and feel like maybe he can answer a big percent, if not all, of life's mysteries. Like why exactly can't you wear white after labor day? How do billboards get painted? Why do they switch the R's and the L's in Japan? Is static cling an act of God? Maybe I just want him to lie to me and say that it gets easier.

hypochondria

In order to indulge my fear of impending doom, I've developed hypochondria by reading WebMD constantly and self-diagnosing myself with a number of illnesses. I've come up with a long list on potential diseases, but then I came across something that Nicole found that made a scary amount of sense:

Anxious-Preoccupied AttachmentPeople who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

20

I'm 20 and I'm completely unsatisfied with my life.

Today was the worst day I've had in a long time. I cried for the first time in months and cried in front of someone for the first time in years.

I don't know how else to explain it except I'm not where I want to be. and I really want to change this, if I find the time.

my new life:

school. work. and naps.

I've cut back on my social life and meals in order to acomodate.
I think on my birthday I'm just going to jaywalk all over town in hopes of getting hit by a bus.