Captains log: giving up

I wrote us a song.
You weren't singing along.
But I hope you'll be missing me, too.
I held on too long.
I did everything wrong.
But I hope you'll be missing me
like I will miss you.

This is my last post where I will in any way be semi-bummed about past crush X. Truthfully, after saying that I will be giving up my pursuit of him, it isn't until just now that I've come to realize how drastically fruitless my efforts have been. So this is it, these typed letters out in cyberspace are my white flag of surrender. There is, after all, only so much a girl can take. & I think I might be too wonderful to waste my time with someone who could care less. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that some people are just meant to be alone. Maybe not forever, but in my case, I have to hold out for something greater than a 2 month relationship, or a current fling, or feelings for a string of wrong someone's. I owe it to myself to wait, wait longer than I've already been waiting, and keep holding out for someone who I know is ready and willing to be my someone. A lover who won't leave, the "you complete me", the missing piece, the can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach for the stars-over the fence-world series kind of thing. The Patty Mayonaise to my Doug Funny. I've been waiting almost 20 years, I can wait a little longer.

war pigs.

You can have some of what you want some of the time, but never all of what you want all of the time. Sex & Black Sabbath.

People keep telling me I look like Minnie Driver. I'm not sure if they are correct about the physical appearance but I've always thought that we shared the same obnoxiously loud laugh that she has in Good Will Hunting. Well, I think it's a compliment regardless.


my life is in a current state of disarray. It is because, among many things, I am lacking furniture. If I can solve this problem, among many others, I will be one step closer to feeling like my life is back on an even keel.

Occasionally, I feel really far away from the people I consider myself closest to. I sometimes can't relate to them & I sometimes realize that I'm not really that involved in their lives. It's as if everyone's living their lives while I'm in a separate room, watching through a window. I feel a bit saddened & suffocated by the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can't really make myself be a bigger part of anyone's life. But overall, I feel kind of glad & relieved that there is something separating me from everyone else. Sometimes, I wish I could just have one person that's my person. & I'd be his or her's one person, too. But most of the time, all I want is to be alone in my surroundings & spend all of my time sewing, painting, gluing, drawing, creating things with my hands.

Perfect night.

Tonight was wonderful. I walked down to the Squirrel Hill theater around the block to see "Juno". I loved it. I even shed a tear, unapologetically, when Ellen Paige somberly says "I need to know that two people can be happy together forever", because I understood exactly how she felt. Then, with my fur hood up in the icy weather, I enjoyed a soup & salad at a nearby cafe for dinner. Then I swung into a Barnes&Nobles to browse among the new releases and buy myself a few postcards to add to the collection. I also bought a small hot chocolate with Soy milk that was a fantastic companion on the walk home. Lots of passerbys said hello to me and one older man told me I was beautiful. I was genuinely appreciative and instead of giving him a grossed-out look, I smiled a smile that said "Thanks, I really needed to hear that." I hummed the Shins all the way up the bridge, and upon returning home, I slipped out of my layers and into a well-worn sweater and a fresh pair of socks. I will now proceed to watch Woody Allen movies on my computer until I fall asleep.

Tomorrow would be an "Undie Sunday", but I don't have a washer/dryer yet and it's far too cold.

Some people are meant to be alone.

It exists. I know it does.
Sometimes when I'm feeling down, and I need to remind myself of a small truth to know that I am special and I have a place in the world, I'll think of something that I can do better than the majority of the population. I am proud of myself that I have learned to be content alone. Not everyone can do that.

I am also proud that I can make the world's best chocolate chip cookies. My favorite form of punctuation is the semi-colon. I never get sick of watching Manhattan and my heart always lurches at the same exact part in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. (>this part<).
I'm not a bad dancer, I have a loud, obnoxious laugh but I wouldn't trade it. I can rap almost all of "Ready to Die". I empathize with the cold, falling leaves, pine trees after December 25th and greyhounds who have become too old to run.

I love that I know how to make people happy, & I love making people happy. and I could spend the rest of my life making people happy, and in so doing, I would stay that way as well.

It has been a few days.

but I am finally in Pittsburgh. In this big empty house.cold & alone.



and I love it.

I realized yesterday while at 30,000 feet that if that was the day I just ceased to exist there would be lots of things I would regret doing. But while I am still kicking, I plan to unpack my old life into my new life and decorate accordingly.

and, unfortunately, I am going to ignore my heart and refuse to tell him how I really feel. There's no point in it really. I'm convinced he knows and convinced no good would come of it. I should focus on new options and try my best not to sabotage myself in the process.