charming, to say the least

.keys

I guess I realized yesterday that I'm experiencing severe growing pains. When I was younger, and everything was going wrong, I'd look to someone else to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be, okay. Yesterday I got a panicked feeling, and I realized that no one could say anything to quell my fears because I already knew there was nothing to be done to fix it. That was the scariest part of all. I couldn't even ask someone to lie to me, because there was nothing anyone could say to make it any better. I've realized I need to start fixing things myself, instead of waiting for someone to come rescue me. Maybe I've been afraid of being in charge of my own life because I know once I start out alone I might end up that way forever. But I've been alone long enough and I have nothing left to lose.

I've been listening to a lot of classical music lately. I don't understand why more people my age don't appreciate it. In Trinidad, my neighbor was a concert pianist - sometimes during the heat of the day when you opened the windows the wind would bring with it melodies of Vivaldi, Beethoven, even the unrecognizable ones were masterpieces. I miss that. I suppose it reminds me of when I was young and completely careless, and how much I wish I could remember how I used to do that. How much I wish I could forget all the truths I've learned about the world and go back to believing all the things they taught me in Sunday school. Maybe I just want to open the window and instead of feeling an icy chill, I would get a warm breeze and a comforting concerto. A little reminder to hold on.

"the one that you love, and the one that loves you; will never be the same person."

grapes of wrath

There are a million miles from where I am and where I want to be; (and I don't mean geographically.) Sometimes, when I write fast, I don't go back to dot my i's. I imagine one day I'll meet someone who will kiss me on the shoulder while I wash the dishes just because. The phrase "of champions" should follow most words.
I miss the way I used to be.

life goal #73

I plan to move to a new city every year.

2007: Gainesville, FL
2008: Pittsburgh, PA
(future plans)
2009: Boston, MA

long walk home.

First day of Spring and it just started snowing. I'm in desperate need of UV-light and Vitamin D or else I'm liable to just run my car over a bridge. (plenty to choose from) I miss sunlight. Trees. Green life. I have a break from school and work until Tuesday, which I plan to fill with lots of introspection. I am too stressed and for some reason I feel like I'm going to sabotage my success very shortly. I've never been more familiar with exhaustion before. When did I stop smiling? I'm suddenly hostile, and I regret living with people because I hate being this vulnerable all of the time.

victory

Just once, I want to wake up in the morning and feel like the world is mine.