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I guess I realized yesterday that I'm experiencing severe growing pains. When I was younger, and everything was going wrong, I'd look to someone else to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be, okay. Yesterday I got a panicked feeling, and I realized that no one could say anything to quell my fears because I already knew there was nothing to be done to fix it. That was the scariest part of all. I couldn't even ask someone to lie to me, because there was nothing anyone could say to make it any better. I've realized I need to start fixing things myself, instead of waiting for someone to come rescue me. Maybe I've been afraid of being in charge of my own life because I know once I start out alone I might end up that way forever. But I've been alone long enough and I have nothing left to lose.

I've been listening to a lot of classical music lately. I don't understand why more people my age don't appreciate it. In Trinidad, my neighbor was a concert pianist - sometimes during the heat of the day when you opened the windows the wind would bring with it melodies of Vivaldi, Beethoven, even the unrecognizable ones were masterpieces. I miss that. I suppose it reminds me of when I was young and completely careless, and how much I wish I could remember how I used to do that. How much I wish I could forget all the truths I've learned about the world and go back to believing all the things they taught me in Sunday school. Maybe I just want to open the window and instead of feeling an icy chill, I would get a warm breeze and a comforting concerto. A little reminder to hold on.