the luck, she is still running good.

I sometimes feel like the entire human race, collectively, knows something I don't. It has to be the secret to something. All I know is how good it would feel to be content, with companionship, and in tune with the earth's rotation. I feel like there is an ever increasing capacity for loneliness in my life.

Last night I had a dream that it was Valentine's day and I got attacked by a ferocious polar bear.





This cannot be a foreshadow of anything good.

"I have often dreamed of umbrellas as tall as buildings; their steel handles dipped under the soil and lie buried beneath the concrete where our feet cross. Metal tips touched the troughs of the clouds and their tops remained rigidly concave, letting the rain slide down their canvas crowns. I can move out of the cover of my giant umbrella, to make room for another to find protection in the cold, hard rain and stand with the rain mercilessly hitting my skin; soaking every layer down to my bones. Until eventually my heart is flooded - and every possession is carried away on the murky water like the possessions of a hurricane victim."

I'm genetically pre-disposed to hate everyone.

Why do I do this too myself? Ive been sitting on my couch, all dressed up with no place to go since 8 o'clock.

: [

Allow me to explain; with out allegories, why my life is kind of miserable right now. (not that I am miserable, because I'm not, it's just that things are really starting to be horrible and luckily for me I thrive off of that.) However, that doesn't mean I don't want them to get better.

Tonight I tried to convince myself I was beautiful. I tried really hard. & It worked. I do feel better. I just needed to remind myself that I am worth more than someone's side dish. Which is what I've realized. All I need to do now is transfer those words from brain to mouth, and verbalize them to him.

It's just hard to think that I've spent all my time convincing myself that it was him who was the problem. That he didn't want me because of something he was going through. Now I realize that he didn't want me not because he didn't want someone but because he actually didn't want me.

That's just the way it is and I'm going to have to get over it. & I will. But in the meantime I think I deserve some time to be a little wounded. To indulge in a a few movies and songs designed for this self-destructive sort of mood.

I can't say I regret anything. Because I know it's better to feel a little pain than feel nothing at all. (and for awhile there, I wasn't feeling anything.) But good God, cut me a break.

I feel all sorts of broken.
Back to Square 1.

-10 degrees!

Charlotte Gainsbourg is the reason I wear oversized sweaters.

My favorite part of the day has become running to my car to avoid the cold and then turning the heat up on full blast.

Just once I wish I could kiss someone standing up.

"I love her because she makes things with her hands.
It's as if her synapses were married directly to her fingers."

"It's just that lately I've been living on my own. I'm better off alone."

"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
& a rock feels no pain;
& an island never cries."
-SIMON & GARFUNKEL

"It's just that lately I've been living on me own,
& I've fucked up so many times,
I'm better off alone."
-THE GOOD LIFE

I hate everyone today. Honestly, If I could delete myself from being socially known I would. People are fucking complicated. Everything is a problem. Can never say what they mean. Always playing games. I'm over it. I was happier by myself.

all time low

If there were any doubts about me being a loser, they are all confirmed with the fact that I just purchased this book. I plan to read it on my daily commute on the bus. God help me.

Everything became broken yesterday.

The record player broke, so that I couldn't listen to the B-side of Abbey Road while I made lasagna like I wanted too. The space heater broke, so that I was cold inside and out throughout the night. I feel like a piece of me broke away; like one loose thread of a crocheted sweater that had gotten caught on something and had been unraveling slowly since. It seemed, unknowingly, all that time while I was chasing and reaching, I was only bringing about the inevitable more quickly. That by the time I realized what had been lost, I was already midriff-bare.

The only thing to do with a sweater like that is toss it, it would be better to buy a new one than try to replace the old. That doesn't mean though, that it doesn't break your heart to discard it.

.

He was locked away in the room of a house which she had the key too. There was no way of telling which room, or where. So after searching behind every door, and coming up empty handed, she realized that she had been mistaken. They were not in the same house at all. There would be no reason to search anymore.

Captains log: giving up

I wrote us a song.
You weren't singing along.
But I hope you'll be missing me, too.
I held on too long.
I did everything wrong.
But I hope you'll be missing me
like I will miss you.

This is my last post where I will in any way be semi-bummed about past crush X. Truthfully, after saying that I will be giving up my pursuit of him, it isn't until just now that I've come to realize how drastically fruitless my efforts have been. So this is it, these typed letters out in cyberspace are my white flag of surrender. There is, after all, only so much a girl can take. & I think I might be too wonderful to waste my time with someone who could care less. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that some people are just meant to be alone. Maybe not forever, but in my case, I have to hold out for something greater than a 2 month relationship, or a current fling, or feelings for a string of wrong someone's. I owe it to myself to wait, wait longer than I've already been waiting, and keep holding out for someone who I know is ready and willing to be my someone. A lover who won't leave, the "you complete me", the missing piece, the can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach for the stars-over the fence-world series kind of thing. The Patty Mayonaise to my Doug Funny. I've been waiting almost 20 years, I can wait a little longer.

war pigs.

You can have some of what you want some of the time, but never all of what you want all of the time. Sex & Black Sabbath.

People keep telling me I look like Minnie Driver. I'm not sure if they are correct about the physical appearance but I've always thought that we shared the same obnoxiously loud laugh that she has in Good Will Hunting. Well, I think it's a compliment regardless.


my life is in a current state of disarray. It is because, among many things, I am lacking furniture. If I can solve this problem, among many others, I will be one step closer to feeling like my life is back on an even keel.

Occasionally, I feel really far away from the people I consider myself closest to. I sometimes can't relate to them & I sometimes realize that I'm not really that involved in their lives. It's as if everyone's living their lives while I'm in a separate room, watching through a window. I feel a bit saddened & suffocated by the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can't really make myself be a bigger part of anyone's life. But overall, I feel kind of glad & relieved that there is something separating me from everyone else. Sometimes, I wish I could just have one person that's my person. & I'd be his or her's one person, too. But most of the time, all I want is to be alone in my surroundings & spend all of my time sewing, painting, gluing, drawing, creating things with my hands.

Perfect night.

Tonight was wonderful. I walked down to the Squirrel Hill theater around the block to see "Juno". I loved it. I even shed a tear, unapologetically, when Ellen Paige somberly says "I need to know that two people can be happy together forever", because I understood exactly how she felt. Then, with my fur hood up in the icy weather, I enjoyed a soup & salad at a nearby cafe for dinner. Then I swung into a Barnes&Nobles to browse among the new releases and buy myself a few postcards to add to the collection. I also bought a small hot chocolate with Soy milk that was a fantastic companion on the walk home. Lots of passerbys said hello to me and one older man told me I was beautiful. I was genuinely appreciative and instead of giving him a grossed-out look, I smiled a smile that said "Thanks, I really needed to hear that." I hummed the Shins all the way up the bridge, and upon returning home, I slipped out of my layers and into a well-worn sweater and a fresh pair of socks. I will now proceed to watch Woody Allen movies on my computer until I fall asleep.

Tomorrow would be an "Undie Sunday", but I don't have a washer/dryer yet and it's far too cold.

Some people are meant to be alone.

It exists. I know it does.
Sometimes when I'm feeling down, and I need to remind myself of a small truth to know that I am special and I have a place in the world, I'll think of something that I can do better than the majority of the population. I am proud of myself that I have learned to be content alone. Not everyone can do that.

I am also proud that I can make the world's best chocolate chip cookies. My favorite form of punctuation is the semi-colon. I never get sick of watching Manhattan and my heart always lurches at the same exact part in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. (>this part<).
I'm not a bad dancer, I have a loud, obnoxious laugh but I wouldn't trade it. I can rap almost all of "Ready to Die". I empathize with the cold, falling leaves, pine trees after December 25th and greyhounds who have become too old to run.

I love that I know how to make people happy, & I love making people happy. and I could spend the rest of my life making people happy, and in so doing, I would stay that way as well.

It has been a few days.

but I am finally in Pittsburgh. In this big empty house.cold & alone.



and I love it.

I realized yesterday while at 30,000 feet that if that was the day I just ceased to exist there would be lots of things I would regret doing. But while I am still kicking, I plan to unpack my old life into my new life and decorate accordingly.

and, unfortunately, I am going to ignore my heart and refuse to tell him how I really feel. There's no point in it really. I'm convinced he knows and convinced no good would come of it. I should focus on new options and try my best not to sabotage myself in the process.