I think I might be the perfect girl to fall in love with if you are actually in love with someone else. See, I'm just wonderful enough to temporarily win your affections, make you feel loved & wanted, and fill that little void of loneliness; but I'm also incredibly complicated enough to make you realize that you should stick to what you know. Go back to her.

You know what the weird part is? This has happened twice and I don't even mind. I feel like I'm doing some good service by being the temporary muse that I don't even care if in the end I end up the bystander. The world needs more happy couples I suppose, what the world does not need is more cynics.

This blog is not a true representation of me, I'm so busy that the only time I can write is when I'm overwhelmed with negativity. I will try to update it with the better parts of me more often, which I'm convinced will arrive with the Spring. As of right now, I still don't have those parts back, because I'm terribly annoyed with people today.

On a side note, I have a wonderful best friend. The best of the best. I thought randomly today how dreadful this life would be without her. & especially since I've been struggling, I think about how she makes things a little more bearable.

"We'd hoped vaguely to fall in love but hadn't worried much about it, because we'd thought we had all the time in the world. Love had seemed so final and so dull -- love was what ruined our parents. Love had delivered them to a life of mortgage payments and household repairs; to unglamorous jobs and the flourescent aisles of a supermarket at two in the afternoon.We'd hoped for love of a different kind, love that knew and forgave our human frailty but did not miniaturize our grander ideas of ourselves. It sounded possible. If we didn't rush or grab, if we didn't panic, a love both challenging and nurturing might appear. If the person was imaginable, then the person could exist."
-A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD, Micheal Cunningham

when you were young you were the king of carrot flowers.

I'm not happy with the way things are going right now. Besides feeling overworked, underpaid, and exhausted, I'm feeling a longing for companionship. Today I got an odd feeling , as though I don't have a lot left to look forward too. It's probably just seasonal depression though. This too shall pass.

the luck, she is still running good.

I'm feeling quite victorious today! I got a job working at a bakery 2 blocks away. Hello, employment. Goodbye, lethargy.

Look, I'll be honest. I don't want to change the world, all I want is the bare necessities:

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

Sometimes when I feel down, I search for pictures of nebulas, galaxys, black holes, and other fragments of our universe on Google. I don't know, I guess it reminds me that the world can't be all bad if that is out there somewhere. And if there s a God, at least it is certainly true that he is a wonderful artist.

When I was "away", despairing, my Uncle sent me that poem. I think it changed everything for me. Want to know a secret? I randomly mail it to people I don't know and will never meet out of the phone-book. I imagine it finding them at just the right time. I imagine how they will feel when they read it, with no return address, no note. I hope they feel a little less alone.

truth is,

If life had a cookbook, I'd be set.

I have this paranoia

that people find it easy to love me, but also are quickly pushed away by me. I'm not sure what it is, but I've been noticing it my entire life. I mentioned it once to someone, they told me I was being crazy. But it's like a recurring cycle. Somehow, I transfix people; then, I quickly repulse them. Explains why, as of late, I've been finding myself as the rebound.

That settles it, school starts in almost two weeks and all I want is to get this year of my life over with as soon as possible. I skipped being 17, I can skip being 20 if I want.

maybe everything that dies someday comes back

I've been thinking a lot about missed opportunities. It's a waste of time, I know.

March 7th

My birthday is approaching rapidly. You know what I want? A heart-attack. A big one. One that will drop me to the stone-cold floor and render me helpless so I won't have to keep spending sleepless nights worrying about growing up, worrying about fucking up, and feeling more alone than ever.

dissapointments,

Sometimes I forget that humanity is not worth saving. People are cold, I've never realized that more than I do now. No one has never spoken ill of me as they have tonight, and I don't believe I've ever given anyone a reason too.

For whatever reason, things in my life have taken an odd "sweet and sour" effect. As in, good things are happening, but they are paired and quickly followed with bad things. Bittersweet seems to be the theme of my life right now. Maybe I've gotten irresponsible with my heart, it's true, but I don't deserve this. I really don't deserve this.

I don't think I can trust again. I'm afraid I'll never truly love. Whats worse is I think that is not a matter of circumstance but of choice. I can't deal with people and their bullshit. I turn 20 sooner than I'd like. I want to live the desert island life, but I thrive off companionship and random acts of kindness and I fear without them I can't live. At this point I don't care anymore at all.

I'm supposed to be alone. I am.

"well our luck may have died,
and our love may be cold,
but with you forever I'll stay,
We're going out where the sand is turnin' to gold,
so put on your stockins', baby, cause the nights gettin cold
and everything dies, baby, that's a fact
but maybe everything that dies someday comes back. "

true love will find you in the end.

Some days I wish I could change the way I am. Some days I just get so sick of being a nice person. I end up empty-handed, alone, frustrated and wondering why I can't just learn to be selfish. I want so badly to only care about myself. I want to do things just because they make me happy, with no thought of consequence. That's what I want; but it won't happen. Tomorrow when I wake up, I will spend the greater part of my day mapping out the best way to make everyone else happy. In so doing, I become happy myself. Even if it's fleeting.

odd.

lots of people want to marry me. Little do they know, that to spite them, I have already planned to be alone forever.


oh, and I turned down the job at Baskin Robbins. They wanted me to listen to bad 90's music all day and scoop ice cream with a funny visor, not decorate cakes. Plus, I'm lactose intolerant.