.keys

I guess I realized yesterday that I'm experiencing severe growing pains. When I was younger, and everything was going wrong, I'd look to someone else to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be, okay. Yesterday I got a panicked feeling, and I realized that no one could say anything to quell my fears because I already knew there was nothing to be done to fix it. That was the scariest part of all. I couldn't even ask someone to lie to me, because there was nothing anyone could say to make it any better. I've realized I need to start fixing things myself, instead of waiting for someone to come rescue me. Maybe I've been afraid of being in charge of my own life because I know once I start out alone I might end up that way forever. But I've been alone long enough and I have nothing left to lose.

I've been listening to a lot of classical music lately. I don't understand why more people my age don't appreciate it. In Trinidad, my neighbor was a concert pianist - sometimes during the heat of the day when you opened the windows the wind would bring with it melodies of Vivaldi, Beethoven, even the unrecognizable ones were masterpieces. I miss that. I suppose it reminds me of when I was young and completely careless, and how much I wish I could remember how I used to do that. How much I wish I could forget all the truths I've learned about the world and go back to believing all the things they taught me in Sunday school. Maybe I just want to open the window and instead of feeling an icy chill, I would get a warm breeze and a comforting concerto. A little reminder to hold on.

"the one that you love, and the one that loves you; will never be the same person."

grapes of wrath

There are a million miles from where I am and where I want to be; (and I don't mean geographically.) Sometimes, when I write fast, I don't go back to dot my i's. I imagine one day I'll meet someone who will kiss me on the shoulder while I wash the dishes just because. The phrase "of champions" should follow most words.
I miss the way I used to be.

life goal #73

I plan to move to a new city every year.

2007: Gainesville, FL
2008: Pittsburgh, PA
(future plans)
2009: Boston, MA

long walk home.

First day of Spring and it just started snowing. I'm in desperate need of UV-light and Vitamin D or else I'm liable to just run my car over a bridge. (plenty to choose from) I miss sunlight. Trees. Green life. I have a break from school and work until Tuesday, which I plan to fill with lots of introspection. I am too stressed and for some reason I feel like I'm going to sabotage my success very shortly. I've never been more familiar with exhaustion before. When did I stop smiling? I'm suddenly hostile, and I regret living with people because I hate being this vulnerable all of the time.

victory

Just once, I want to wake up in the morning and feel like the world is mine.

unconventional horoscopes:

A century before the New Age Movement began, french playright Victor Hugo (1802-1885) was conversing with the dead. I want to tell you what the spirit of Galileo said to him at a seance, because it's the perfect message for you to hear right now:
"You know what I would do if I were in your place? I'd drink from the milk basin of the Milky Way; I'd swallow comets; I'd lunch on dawn; I'd dine on day and I'd sup on night; I'd invite myself, splendid table companion that I am, to the banquet of all the glories, and I'd salute God as my host! I'd work up a magnificent hunger, an enormous thirst, and I'd race through the drunken spaces between the spheres singing the fearsome drinking song of eternity."

frailty

I wish I were more fragile. I often want people to see the parts of me that I keep hidden. I want someone to see me at my most vulnerable point; and I want them to love me anyway. I want to stop feeling unhappy with myself all of the time, but I can't stop by myself. What's worse, I don't feel like I have anyone else.

When it rains, it pours

Suffice it to say that everything is going wrong. I don't quite understand why everything is out of order, but it has been a series of weeks that make me feel as though the entire universe is against me. God just seems to have to add insult to injury. My plan is to just hide under the covers until the storm passes, as long as I can get through this, I'm convinced good things should come my way eventually. Hopefully?

In brighter news, I got a new camera. I decided that I want to start documenting my life. I'm scared of forgetting, and I want tangible evidence of my heres and nows.

Truth is, I'm starting to see the world differently. I'm starting to hate everyone, become misanthropic, cynical, angry and cold. That's not me. I'm going to start photographing all the bits and pieces of my life so that I can start seeing things through the lens. So I can remember how beautiful it all is.

I wish I could meet Bill Murray. I think he'd like me very much and I'd love to make him dinner. I somehow liken him to God and feel like maybe he can answer a big percent, if not all, of life's mysteries. Like why exactly can't you wear white after labor day? How do billboards get painted? Why do they switch the R's and the L's in Japan? Is static cling an act of God? Maybe I just want him to lie to me and say that it gets easier.

hypochondria

In order to indulge my fear of impending doom, I've developed hypochondria by reading WebMD constantly and self-diagnosing myself with a number of illnesses. I've come up with a long list on potential diseases, but then I came across something that Nicole found that made a scary amount of sense:

Anxious-Preoccupied AttachmentPeople who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. They also have less positive views about their partners because they do not trust in people's good intentions. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may experience high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

20

I'm 20 and I'm completely unsatisfied with my life.

Today was the worst day I've had in a long time. I cried for the first time in months and cried in front of someone for the first time in years.

I don't know how else to explain it except I'm not where I want to be. and I really want to change this, if I find the time.

my new life:

school. work. and naps.

I've cut back on my social life and meals in order to acomodate.
I think on my birthday I'm just going to jaywalk all over town in hopes of getting hit by a bus.