Oh, Comely.

"More like the movie where the guy meets a smart girl who wears a lot of sweaters and drinks cocoa. They talk about books and issues and kiss in the rain. I think something like that would be very good for him, especially if the girl were

unconventionally beautiful.

They are the best kind of girls, I think."

-- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

"I've loved you, but I've been too afraid to say it."

I'm constantly terrified that my life is going to end up like Julia Roberts in "My Best Friend's wedding"

I hate Christmas.

My family is boycotting X-mas once again this year. (I'm using the abbreviation out of spite.) My mom is a type-A personality, so holidays really send her over the edge. Family related things make us all uncomfortable as it is. Basically, I've come to associate this day with extreme gluttony. We eat, and then are forced to stay inside all day because everything is closed. Thank God for Blockbuster and video games. Tomorrow will basically be spent waiting for the day after.


Black Flag - "my war"

my best friend is in love.

& I couldn't be happier for her, honestly.

... but, I can't help feeling like now she will never understand that part of me that is all longing. That part of me that I knew she had too. We were always single. Even when we had other guys in our lives we knew we were headed for something greater. But now that she has found that something, and all the pieces of her life are falling into place; I feel more incomplete than ever. It's as though my whole like I've been waiting for that "something greater" to come along and now that I see it has for her, I've become increasingly paranoid that it will never happen for me. It's not jealousy, it's something much more dreadful.

I'm afraid I'm beginning to think i actually want to be alone.

Once, someone asked me what I was most afraid of.

I lied, of course, because what I'm truly afraid I could never tell anyone of.
but while the answer was in my head I said, quite without thinking:

"being alone.but not like, relationship alone. Like 28-days-later, empty Time Square alone"

"I'VE HEARD THE MORE WE LOVE, THE BETTER WE ARE."

Despite everything,
I'm feeling quite victorious today.

That's what I'm waiting for.

No one in the world knows me as well as I'd like them too.

I realized today that I haven't been kissed the way I want to be kissed in a long time. Maybe it's been years. I also have come to terms with several of my self-sabotaging habits. One being that I cannot allow people to love me. I can only hang on to a crush if I know that it is destined for disaster. If, at any time, I feel as though I might be heading towards something potentially risky, I find a reason why I shouldn't bother. I find a way to discourage myself, and I call it being logical or sensible.

I have to be careful though, because I am a giver. (& I can never, will never, be a taker). I give & give & give. and I need to be sure that I find someone who wont take until I'm empty. that's what I'm mostly afraid of, being empty. I've been feeling that way lately. Panicky, nervous, and alone.


modest mouse: "little motel"

My baby left me in the cold hard rain. Those were the lyrics to a song I heard once. I never quite understood them until I felt the cold rains myself. I always thought them beautiful and tragic; but actually feeling the icy chill of the cold in my bones, I truly understood the way it affected a persons body. The sting of your fingertips and the sudden loss of feeling between your toes. The way my lips and hair would capture the cold and let it linger throughout my body. The loneliness that it brought, this was worst of all. Something about the freezing rain made you realize how truly alone you were. If you loved someone, it made you long for them. No one had left me; but I felt abandoned. A million miles away from everything I wanted. The cold had invaded my body and was in my blood now. It made me understand why things die and cannot grow in the winter. When I stepped inside away from the cold hard rain the feeling returned to my body and I lost the despair that I had felt, but I never forgot the fear that it might not return.

I feel like I am slowly getting back to that place in my life where I am content being single. I was sidetracked for a second with the deluded notion that I should actually get into a relationship, but luckily I have been cleared of all such ideas and I am back to being the lonely, cynical recluse I once was. But I am very happy this way. I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoy being alone. I actually enjoy loneliness. I thrive off of the painful shortcomings of my day-to-day life. If things actually started going extremely well, I fear that I might lose this misanthropic spirit that I have come to treasure. My plan for the next year looks something like this:

• Work non-stop
• Go to School/study non-stop
• Have no social life whatsoever
• Get a dog

I like being lonely. I don’t think I want to meet someone to ruin that for me. I just want to be in the big city where I am too busy to notice how truly lonely I am. I want to ride the subway, walk the busy streets, come home to a small, cramped and silent apartment and revel in my solitude. ah, I can't wait to fill my lungs with smog.

run run run

I might as well accept that I am a professional single. Whether or not I'm happier this way makes no difference, it seems it's just my place in life to be the third-wheel, the somewhat discontent cynic, a muse of sorts. I'm not dissapointed; it is what it is. If God gave me the choice to be in love right now, I'm sad to say I probably wouldnt take it - Id rather invest what Ive got in the people around me. Because, truthfully, I can't trust love. and I can't afford it right now either.