my best friend is in love.

& I couldn't be happier for her, honestly.

... but, I can't help feeling like now she will never understand that part of me that is all longing. That part of me that I knew she had too. We were always single. Even when we had other guys in our lives we knew we were headed for something greater. But now that she has found that something, and all the pieces of her life are falling into place; I feel more incomplete than ever. It's as though my whole like I've been waiting for that "something greater" to come along and now that I see it has for her, I've become increasingly paranoid that it will never happen for me. It's not jealousy, it's something much more dreadful.

I'm afraid I'm beginning to think i actually want to be alone.

Once, someone asked me what I was most afraid of.

I lied, of course, because what I'm truly afraid I could never tell anyone of.
but while the answer was in my head I said, quite without thinking:

"being alone.but not like, relationship alone. Like 28-days-later, empty Time Square alone"